Bank of Utopia Now Offering 200% Returns on CD's

 

I just received advance notice that the bank of Utopia, located on the banks of the Chocolate River in Fantasyville, California, in the county of Bliss, has announced a novel promotion for new and existing customers.  The promotion is targeted towards married

customers who own Certificates of Deposit at the Bank.

The promotion also targets new customers as well.

 

I thought I would mention this to all

Ambiguous Annuitants online today as most of

you can take advantage of this incredible

offer since the Bank of Utopia has simply

made it too easy not to.

 

After 24 months of consultations with the

Bank's Board of Directors, B.O.U. is now offering

the following this free service to certain

CD owners, aged 63 and younger, 

at the bank of Utopia. 

 

1. If you continue to keep your funds at the

bank on an indefinite basis, and you both

should pass away (expectedly or unexpectedly),

Bank of Utopia will automatically pay a death benefit

equal to a minimum of 2 (two) X your original deposit.

 

So,  for example, if you open up a CD for $100,000, and you both should pass away, B.O.U. will pay $200,000 to your heirs.

 

2. Bank of Utopia has also decided to be extremely aggressive with this offer. They have decided that they will also pay these funds to your heirs 100% federally tax free.  Don't ask them how they were able to pull this off with the IRS, but they did it. They certainly must know somebody up there!

 

3. Bank of Utopia also guarantees that these funds will go directly to your heirs with zero court costs or hassle (probate). Typically, the bank can remit these tax - free funds to your heirs within 30 days of a claim being made.

 

4. The Bank of Utopia is also amending the terms of the CD. There will no longer be a contractual term. You may cancel your CD at any time. Of course, by canceling, you forfeit the inevitable $200,000 tax free gift to your heirs, but it is nice to know that if you want your $100,000 back at any moment in time, you can get it.

 

5. The best part of the bank's offer, however, is this: If either you, or your spouse, ever need long term care, because you broke a hip, for example, and are no longer mobile and thus cannot cook your own meals....or if your lifetime addiction to Starbucks has finally resulted in the irreversible decline of your cognitive abilities such that a doctor will certify a true mental incompetency, then the Bank of Utopia will allow you, or your spouse, to use 100% of that same tax free death benefit of $200,000, in this example,  to spend for long term care needs. The Bank mandates, however, that these funds are paid out monthly, at a rate of $4,175 / month, either to you, or your spouse, or the insitution that is caring for you, or the care provider itself (if at home, for example) for a grand total of 50 months.

 

 

6. The monthly payment will also be 100% federally tax free.

 

7. There is no limit on the number of CD's you may purchase in this offer.

 

This attractive offer is the result of a poll conducted by the Bank in which the bank asked clientele the simple question.:

 

a) Why do you own a CD at the Bank of Utopia?

 

In order of importance, the Bank categorized the most common responses:

 

1) Safety

 

2) Liquidity

 

3) A place to store money for unexpected emergencies

 

4) Legacy money for heirs

 

The bank structured this promotion around these 4 concepts and designed this offer accordingly.

 

                                                                                        One last thing I forgot to mention.....The Bank of

                                                                                     Utopia does not exist in the realm of reality as we

                                                                                    know it, however. (It is actually the product of this

                                                                                     writers fertile imaginings). The Bank of Utopia is not

                                                                                    even authorized to make such lofty contractual

                                                                                  promises since they are only a mere bank, providing

                                                                                   loans, credit cards and short term deposits. But they

                                                                                                 do have Hershey's kisses in the front lobby.

 

Nevertheless, you can still obtain this exact same promotion with all of the exact benefits listed in this article, right here:

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • c-facebook
  • Twitter Classic
  • Google Classic